“Nobody can intervene and make that right and nobody will. Nobody can take it back with silence or push it away with words. Nobody will protect you from your suffering. You can’t cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It’s just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live though it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best and happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal. Therapists and friends and other people who live on Planet My Baby Died can help you along the way, but the healing—the genuine healing, the actual real deal down-on-your-knees-in-the-mud change—is entirely and absolutely up to you.”—dear sugar (via creatingaquietmind)
First, you will meet someone amazing — probably better than amazing. This person will fulfill and exceed all your expectations. Whatever it is you’ve been looking for all this time, this person will exemplify that, and you’ll begin falling for them in every conceivable way.
At the start you’ll be happy. You’ll want to scream about it and wear a t-shirt that says “I’m with awesome” that has an arrow pointing to them so everyone will know that you’re one of the lucky ones. You’ll laugh together and hold hands and it will be like your very own personal romantic comedy.
Then something will click inside your brain. You’ll start worrying all the time. You’ll worry that you’re not good enough for your new relationship. You’ll worry you’ll be dropped in exchange for someone better. You’ll worry your heart is about to be broken. You’ll worry it’s all a big fat joke designed to rain even more crap on you, because really, you’ve never been lucky in love. You’ll worry about all manner of inanities and not one of them will come close to making even a tiny bit of sense. But you’ll worry regardless.
So you start acting on your irrational worries. You start putting yourself down. You feel sub-par, like you don’t deserve this wonderful person being wonderful to you all the time. You regress. You become your most vile, juvenile, selfish image. You push and you prod and spout immaturities in a desperate bid to push the other person away. One day, you’ll push so hard you’ll succeed.
You’ll cry because you didn’t want to ruin everything, not really. You don’t know why you acted the way you did, not when everything was so perfect. You wanted it to work out — it was going to be a fairytale. You’ll hate yourself and your childish ways. Maybe you’ve never behaved this way before; maybe you have, but not since you were fifteen.
You’re scared, that’s why you’re being a moron, but it’s not an excuse — just an explanation, and not a particularly good one either. You replay all the crappy things you said and did. The whole thing is an out of body experience — you scream at yourself to stop being an asshole. What you really want is a time machine, so you can erase all your manic behavior and start from the beginning, throwing your arms around the one you’ll someday love with confidence and abandon.
“All my life I had been looking for something, and everywhere I turned someone tried to tell me what it was. I accepted their answers too, though they were often in contradiction and even self-contradictory. I was naïve. I was looking for myself and asking everyone except myself questions which I, and only I, could answer. It took me a long time and much painful boomeranging of my expectations to achieve a realization everyone else appears to have been born with: that I am nobody but myself.”—Ralph Ellison, Battle Royal (via creatingaquietmind)
“You know that moment that comes when the last tear falls? The one when you realize that your worst fears have come to light and you’re still breathing? Never forget the moment you look into the mirror and into your red eyes and see that you aren’t broken or weak or lost at all. You are thin skin over steel.”—unknown (via creatingaquietmind)
“Maybe tonight you’re scared of falling, and maybe there’s somebody here or somewhere else you’re thinking about, worrying over, fretting over, trying to figure out if you want to fall, or how and when you’re gonna land, and I gotta tell you, friends, to stop thinking about the landing, because it’s all about falling.”—John Green (via creatingaquietmind)